Date played: July 3rd
Platform: PC
I picked up where I left off, moments before the final confrontation between the humans and the elves. I got one last chance to side with the elves, but I stayed loyal to Cartman and the humans. Of course, this meant a battle against Kyle, who was actually a pretty boring fight.
Turns out though, the Stick of Truth was not actually hidden in Kyle's desk, since they don't even have desks at school, just tables. Real smart move Cartman. It was dramatically revealed that the real bad guy is another kid named Clyde. He stole the Stick of Truth and quietly gathered an army who protect his giant backyard castle! The little shit is even spreading Nazi Zombie goo to grow his army, so it's more than just a game now. We have to save South Park. Unfortunately, just as we were about to fight Clyde and his minions, it was bedtime. The kids scattered and went back to their homes.
I didn't have a quiet night though, as my room was raided by the infamous Underpants Gnomes. This game has a weird tendency to gradually ramp up the "WTF" factor as it progresses, and this was one of the most shocking yet hilarious scenes in the game.
My character woke up and fought them, but being gnomes, they were no match for my might. However, their wizard had a trick up his sleeve... He shrunk me down to their level. I spent the next few minutes fighting them, then exploring the insides of my room's walls as I chased after the wizard to get him to turn me back to normal size.
That's when it happened... My parents were having sex, and the gnomes went to hide in their room. All the battles and exploration in this section was punctuated by moaning, the sounds of meat being pounded and the cries of my father as he begged my mother to keep calling him a little fucking bitch as she fucked him. That's not even the worst part!
The final battle against the wizard gnome took place on the actual bed, titties swinging above our heads to the beat of sensual soul music. Shit, I even had to dodge my dad's low-hanging balls in a spectacular, yet terrifying slow motion moment. There is absolutely no way I could have ever dreamed of playing a video game like this. On the bright side, I gained a new ability that lets me shrink down to gnome size at anytime.
In the morning, the humans and the elves meet to discuss the Clyde problem. After many insults, the group agrees that their only hope is to join forces. Even that won't be enough though, so we need other factions. Most notably... the girls! Of course, they want absolutely nothing to do with the boys, but Kyle thinks that I could maybe convince them.
The girls have a secret base, but they're not about to reveal it's location, so I had to meet one of the girls to act as a facilitator or these negotiations. She blindfolded me and brought me to the girls. Their secret base is incredible! It's got lots of posters of cute boys and unicorns, lots of pink, and cute, neatly arranged desks. Wendy runs the show here, and before they agree to help the boys, she had some missions for me to prove my loyalty.
Most of it revolved around gossip, but it culminated in an incredibly disturbing sequence in the town's abortion clinic. Basically, they wanted to find out who had an abortion recently to identify the person responsible for spreading abortion rumors about one of their friends. The first step towards that was a complete makeover to make me look like a girl, and there was a minigame to go with it! It was just like one of the countless dress-up apps that populates the app stores of the world. It was stupid, yet quite funny, like a lot of South Park I guess.
Armed with my little whorish outfit, I went to the abortion clinic, pretending to need an abortion. The clerk didn't fucking bat an eye, and the doctor made a comment about how I was a little young to get an abortion, but that he had a booster seat, so it was ok. What. The. Fuck. But that's not all! Lots of shenanigans ensue, including a disgusting scene where I pretended to give an abortion to Randy, Stan's dad.
Bottom line though, the Nazi zombie virus spread through the clinic, infecting aborted fetuses. Yep. I fought some motherfucking Nazi zombie aborted fetuses. Seriously. And there was a giant one (which was previously carried by none other than Khloe Kardashian) to fight at the end for the boss battle...
After this whole ordeal, I had gathered the list of abortion clinic patients for the girls, but unfortunately, it was written in French. The legends speak of a place, far to the north, past the forgotten forest, where people speak French. I would need a passport first though. To get it, I had to fight off a pedophile who had taken over the photo place. Yep, that's South Park.
So uh, we went to Canada. The entire segment was completely stupid, kind of annoying and also, quite brilliant in a few ways. The first thing that jumps out is the extreme change in graphics. The entirety of Canada is rendered like and old school RPG, complete with visible pixels, a top down view and some very, very repetitive music.
The cities of Ottawa, Banff and Vancouver are represented on the map with the conspicuous absence of Montreal and Toronto. Lots of dumb shit going on here, but I basically had to kill the bishop of Banff and bring his balls to the Prince of Canada and his queefing wife. Along the way, I met the famous pair of Terrence and Philip, who taught me the final magical fart, nicknamed Nagasaki. It can blow up some special barriers in the world.
During my travels in Canada, I fought the most difficult enemies in the game. Dire wolves, dire bears, snakes, etc. They were all very powerful enemies, so even with my top end gear and max level character, I still had trouble with some of these. One battle seemed particularly impossible, so I called in Jesus and had him fire his assault rifle at the wild animals.
We translated the abortion clinic document by saving the Duke of Montreal, then went back to South Park to finally convince the girls to help out. They agreed, and now I think I'm headed to the final dungeon. My quest log is empty, I've explored every nook and cranny I could find and I'm ready to see the end. This game is surprisingly amazing, but also way more disturbing than I expected.
Platform: PC
I picked up where I left off, moments before the final confrontation between the humans and the elves. I got one last chance to side with the elves, but I stayed loyal to Cartman and the humans. Of course, this meant a battle against Kyle, who was actually a pretty boring fight.
Turns out though, the Stick of Truth was not actually hidden in Kyle's desk, since they don't even have desks at school, just tables. Real smart move Cartman. It was dramatically revealed that the real bad guy is another kid named Clyde. He stole the Stick of Truth and quietly gathered an army who protect his giant backyard castle! The little shit is even spreading Nazi Zombie goo to grow his army, so it's more than just a game now. We have to save South Park. Unfortunately, just as we were about to fight Clyde and his minions, it was bedtime. The kids scattered and went back to their homes.
I didn't have a quiet night though, as my room was raided by the infamous Underpants Gnomes. This game has a weird tendency to gradually ramp up the "WTF" factor as it progresses, and this was one of the most shocking yet hilarious scenes in the game.
My character woke up and fought them, but being gnomes, they were no match for my might. However, their wizard had a trick up his sleeve... He shrunk me down to their level. I spent the next few minutes fighting them, then exploring the insides of my room's walls as I chased after the wizard to get him to turn me back to normal size.
That's when it happened... My parents were having sex, and the gnomes went to hide in their room. All the battles and exploration in this section was punctuated by moaning, the sounds of meat being pounded and the cries of my father as he begged my mother to keep calling him a little fucking bitch as she fucked him. That's not even the worst part!
The final battle against the wizard gnome took place on the actual bed, titties swinging above our heads to the beat of sensual soul music. Shit, I even had to dodge my dad's low-hanging balls in a spectacular, yet terrifying slow motion moment. There is absolutely no way I could have ever dreamed of playing a video game like this. On the bright side, I gained a new ability that lets me shrink down to gnome size at anytime.
In the morning, the humans and the elves meet to discuss the Clyde problem. After many insults, the group agrees that their only hope is to join forces. Even that won't be enough though, so we need other factions. Most notably... the girls! Of course, they want absolutely nothing to do with the boys, but Kyle thinks that I could maybe convince them.
The girls have a secret base, but they're not about to reveal it's location, so I had to meet one of the girls to act as a facilitator or these negotiations. She blindfolded me and brought me to the girls. Their secret base is incredible! It's got lots of posters of cute boys and unicorns, lots of pink, and cute, neatly arranged desks. Wendy runs the show here, and before they agree to help the boys, she had some missions for me to prove my loyalty.
 |
| The girls have a very cool secret base, but they are a bunch of little two-faced bitches |
Most of it revolved around gossip, but it culminated in an incredibly disturbing sequence in the town's abortion clinic. Basically, they wanted to find out who had an abortion recently to identify the person responsible for spreading abortion rumors about one of their friends. The first step towards that was a complete makeover to make me look like a girl, and there was a minigame to go with it! It was just like one of the countless dress-up apps that populates the app stores of the world. It was stupid, yet quite funny, like a lot of South Park I guess.
Armed with my little whorish outfit, I went to the abortion clinic, pretending to need an abortion. The clerk didn't fucking bat an eye, and the doctor made a comment about how I was a little young to get an abortion, but that he had a booster seat, so it was ok. What. The. Fuck. But that's not all! Lots of shenanigans ensue, including a disgusting scene where I pretended to give an abortion to Randy, Stan's dad.
Bottom line though, the Nazi zombie virus spread through the clinic, infecting aborted fetuses. Yep. I fought some motherfucking Nazi zombie aborted fetuses. Seriously. And there was a giant one (which was previously carried by none other than Khloe Kardashian) to fight at the end for the boss battle...
After this whole ordeal, I had gathered the list of abortion clinic patients for the girls, but unfortunately, it was written in French. The legends speak of a place, far to the north, past the forgotten forest, where people speak French. I would need a passport first though. To get it, I had to fight off a pedophile who had taken over the photo place. Yep, that's South Park.
So uh, we went to Canada. The entire segment was completely stupid, kind of annoying and also, quite brilliant in a few ways. The first thing that jumps out is the extreme change in graphics. The entirety of Canada is rendered like and old school RPG, complete with visible pixels, a top down view and some very, very repetitive music.
The cities of Ottawa, Banff and Vancouver are represented on the map with the conspicuous absence of Montreal and Toronto. Lots of dumb shit going on here, but I basically had to kill the bishop of Banff and bring his balls to the Prince of Canada and his queefing wife. Along the way, I met the famous pair of Terrence and Philip, who taught me the final magical fart, nicknamed Nagasaki. It can blow up some special barriers in the world.
During my travels in Canada, I fought the most difficult enemies in the game. Dire wolves, dire bears, snakes, etc. They were all very powerful enemies, so even with my top end gear and max level character, I still had trouble with some of these. One battle seemed particularly impossible, so I called in Jesus and had him fire his assault rifle at the wild animals.
We translated the abortion clinic document by saving the Duke of Montreal, then went back to South Park to finally convince the girls to help out. They agreed, and now I think I'm headed to the final dungeon. My quest log is empty, I've explored every nook and cranny I could find and I'm ready to see the end. This game is surprisingly amazing, but also way more disturbing than I expected.
